


Strength to Smile

by KiTTzu



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But mostly angst, Civil War Team Iron Man, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Crying Tony, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Tony Stark, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Guilt, Guilty Tony, Guilty Tony Stark, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt, Hurt Tony, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, MIT Era, Nightmares, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Iron Man 1, Quiet Tony Stark, Survivor Guilt, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Angst, Tony Blames Himself, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Deserves Better, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Nightmares, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Has Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Stark Has Trust Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Tony-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, all the feels, sorry for all these tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 20:05:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15670359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiTTzu/pseuds/KiTTzu
Summary: Tony Stark has been through more in his life than people would think. Sometimes it's hard not to give up.Five times Tony had the strength to Smile through the pain, and one time he didn't.(Originally posted on fanfiction.net)





	1. Chapter 1

__

**ONE:**

Tony Stark learns at a young age something that will see him through for many years to come.

For as long as he can remember of his still short life, Father has ignored him. He's never good enough. Not when he showed interest in Father's projects on his third birthday, and learned fast from then, and not when he built himself his very own circuit board when he was four. He remembers pleading with Father to notice him, because _look Daddy, look what I made!_ But it only irritated him, and he finally snapped, and smacked him, hard. It's not that bad, looking back on it, but to a four-year-old, it was everything. From then, he was determined to _do better_.

And now the eight-year-old Anthony Stark finishes up his engine and smiles proudly at his newest creation. He wonders if it's worth showing Father. He can always show Mama though; she's always been proud of him, despite her husband. Surely though, he'll be proud of him this time, this is more than just a silly circuit board. But will it be enough?

_No. Not enough. Never enough,_ He realises as Father shouts, and Anthony runs.

He cries himself to sleep that night, curled up in his mother's consoling arms.

He learns the ways of the press early on. His whole life he's had flashing lights in his face, strangers wanting to know more, more, _more._

He's learnt what he has to do to satisfy them. All he has to do is smile.

And that, he can do. He can smile through the pain inside, he can fool them. So they don't see the scared little boy inside. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never read the comics, so the stuff in here is based purely off what I've read in other fanfics.

**TWO:**

"Tony."

"Tones." His voice is stern, rigid, lacking the humour or the light-heartedness it usually possesses.

17-year-old Tony Stark wakes gently from his light sleep, no hangover today thank you very much. Waking up to Rhodey's voice isn't unusual for Tony, it never has been in the three years he's been at MIT so far. But the second he wakes, the gears are turning in his restless mind and he knows something's wrong.

But something's always wrong in the _amazing_ life of Tony Stark and so he dismisses it, pushing past the older man as he levers himself out of bed, heading for coffee.

"Tony, I'm serious. You need to listen to me."

And so Tony does. He's many things but, despite what many would think, he's not a bad friend.

The air is suddenly tight and tense and waiting in its silence.

"There's..." Rhodey sighs. "There's some news, Tony. I- I think you'd better come see for yourself," Rhodey finally blurts, but his voice is quiet and tense and Tony's never seen the man like this before. It's unnerving.

**O-O**

_'Howard and Maria Stark dead in freak accident.'_

He's numb. He's numb and he thinks his hands are shaking, but he can't tell for sure. His genius mind is racing with questions and denial and grief and anger and it's too much.

God, it's too much.

Why his mum? Howard is _(was?)_ an ever-drunk ass who Tony never cared much for anyway _. (How could you care for someone who, in the bare hours you saw him, beat you and screamed at you and slapped you, hard.)_ But his mum was innocent. She never did anything wrong, she didn't deserve to die, why oh why did she-

Tony becomes suddenly aware that someone is calling his name.

"Come on, _Tony!_ "

The dazed teenager blinks glassy eyes rapidly and gasps, breathing heavily as he realises his hands are tightly gripping the desk in front of him. He probably looks on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Oh, fuck it, he _is_ on the verge of a mental breakdown.

"You with me, buddy?"

Tony can only look up at his best friend with terror and tears in his eyes, and he can't help the rough voice in the back of his mind telling him _Starks don't cry_.

**O-O**

_"Mr Stark, how do you fee-"_

_"How is this affecti-"_

_"Do you think th-"_

_"Will you be-"_

_"Mr Stark, where-"_

_"Mr Stark, how wi-"_

_"Mr Stark-"_

_"Tony.."_

_"Tony!"_

"Tony!"

He jolts out of what he thinks was a dream but was probably him losing himself in his his own mind again. He's gasping and panicking and he doesn't know what to do and-

There's a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey. You okay?"

No. No he's not okay, but he can't tell Rhodey that. So he nods.

And smiles.


	3. Chapter 3

**THREE:**

He feels the harsh heat on his bare arms and his neck sweating under the rough brown cloth wrapped around his head. His arms and face are littered with a million cuts and scrapes and his throat is killing him and his chest aches like nothing he's ever felt as he stumbles through the thick desert, one hand withered at his chest while the other swings back and forth.

Back and forth.

He slows down until he's trodding along, and he doesn't think he has the energy to go on much longer. He can't die here. Not after all he's been through, after working so hard towards the suit, after the _torture_.

Not after Yinsen.

He stops for barely a second, thinking maybe he'll rest for a bit... But he can't. He's got to keep going. Someone will find him, _everyone's_ probably looking for him by now.

... Right?

But then his body swells with a new-found energy and he finds the will to keep on walking, his arm swinging back and forth.

Back and forth.

The sound of propellors is suddenly filling his ears and before his sluggish mind realises what's happening he's on his knees and yelling like a maniac.

He cannot describe the sheer relief that floods through his entire being in those moments, as he thinks that maybe, _just maybe_ , it's going to be okay. He doesn't even give a damn whoever the hell comes running out of that helicopter, only that it's there and he's _finally_ going home. And for a minute, for one _glorious goddamn_ _minute_ he forgets. Forgets the cave. Forgets the pain. The horror he's just been through.

The world moves around him in a blur of dull colour and he realises someone's talking to him.

"-the fun-vee?"

And it's Rhodey, oh _god_ Rhodey and he says something else but Tony doesn't care anymore because his best friend is _there_ pulling him into his arms and Tony _laughs._

**O-O**

He's on the helicopter, and someone's doing something to his arm but he can't bring himself to care. There's a small and paranoid part of his mind that's being worn away by tiredness. Why he's still even conscious is a mystery. Rhodey's there next to him, a comforting presence while Tony tries to drift off.

But all of a sudden he's overwhelmed with memories and feelings and he's panicking because _oh god, no_ he can't be back there, not _again_. He swears he can feel their greasy hands holding him down and wires burning his chest and it's dark and he just sits there gasping until-

His eyes shoot open and he flinches away from the hand on his shoulder and his body jerks, but then pain spikes up his left arm and he cries out, clutching it at the shoulder.

"Tony..."

"I'm fine."

They both know he's not, but nothing more is said, as the two of them board a jet.

**O-O**

He's trying to keep his good hand from shaking as he is wheeled towards the exit of the plane. The light is bright and sudden and he can't help thinking of back in Afghanistan, when they dragged him out into the daylight. Rhodey grabs onto his hand with that firm grip of his and helps Tony stand up, out of the wheelchair. He'd insisted he was fine, that he didn't need the _stupid_ _thing,_ but Rhodey had know better. He stumbles a little, and Rhodey tells him to mind the step but then finds his balance and the pair slowly make their way down the ramp.

He's still struggling to push the fresh memories of trauma and death to the back of his mind as he scans the place they've landed. He spots the familiar black limo and stood in front of it, hands clasped in front of him in a _very_ bodyguard way was one Happy Hogan. And a few metres from him, hair blowing in the wind, was Pepper Potts.

And Tony just can't help it. Seeing the woman he has unknowingly fallen for _there_ , a great smile invades his face.


	4. Chapter 4

The harsh explosions and shrill gunshots are pushed to the back of his mind as he nears the wormhole, a nuclear missile on his back.

It occurs to him not even twenty metres away from the entrance that he could've just thrown it. _Damn it._ But _maybe_ , he thinks, _maybe I want this_. He knows right in the front of his mind that he'll most likely not make it back, but he also knows deeper down that maybe that's a good thing.

He curses himself for thinking that way, and focuses instead on the ever-nearing void of space.

_"Sir, shall I try Miss Potts?_

Should he? Oh, fuck it, he's about to die, isn't he?

"Might as well."

Pepper's face shows up on the display barely seconds before he's suddenly enclosed in darkness. Part of his mind is marvelling at the beauty of the stars and the hanging ship in the distance. The other is in panic, because _oh, god, he can't breathe._

He vaguely registers his HUD flickering and the broken up words _call failed_ in his vision as he releases the nuke.

With a panicked jolt he realises he's falling, a slow drift downwards. Or upwards or sideways or backwards and his whole being is in panic as all of a sudden the ship explodes, fire spreading in a great globe.

The remnants of the explosion disappear into the vastness of space, and with it goes Tony's fear.

_It's cold_ , he realises, and he can feel his consciousness slowly drifting from him. It's strangely peaceful, death.

That's his last thought as his eyes slip shut, and his being slips away.

**O-O**

He thinks he hears voices, which is strange because he really thought heaven was supposed to be peaceful, especially as it sounds suspiciously like Steve. Unless, of course, fate had decided his deeds as Iron Man had _not_ outweighed the deaths he'd caused beforehand, in which case, this is hell.

Tony's not too surprised.

He's just thinking of drifting back off when an earth-shaking roar shatters his ears, and suddenly his eyes are wide open and he's gasping for breath and-

He's alive.

Well, shit.

He can remember what happened, he's not stupid, but it takes all the will that's in him not to just freak out there and then as he remembers the dark and cold and empty void of space.

He can make out a great green figure looming over him, and two smaller (but still large; they must be Steve and Thor then) figures through his blurred vision.

Blinking to clear it, he finds his mouth moving, and he's said something but he's not sure what. But he now has the presence of mind to bring out the snark, and he easily jokes,

"Please tell me nobody kissed me."

Steve breaths a laugh of relief and Tony can't help the bitter voice in the back of his mind saying that _he doesn't give a damn._ Preparing for the battle earlier, Tony couldn't get Steve's words out of his head. _Big man in a suit of armour. Take that away, what are you?_ And his mind had screamed back at him, _nothing._ But the thing was, everything Steve said was, and still is, true. _You may not be a threat, but you'd better stop pretending to be a hero_ , he'd said. _The only thing you really fight for is yourself_. Tony half wishes that he hadn't made it out.

"We won."

_No, I didn't,_ Tony's mind says.

**O-O**

Tony's not sure he has the willpower to just keep smiling, to just pretend that everything's okay when it clearly isn't. The situation reminds him of the way back from Afghanistan.

He sits down on the edge of his bed, crashing down on the soft mattress. His breathing is heavy as he holds his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees in a slumped position.

_What's wrong with me?_ He doesn't know why, and Tony doesn't like not knowing, but he feels so helpless, like nothing he does makes a difference. Perhaps the emptiness of space showed him just how small he really was.

He can hear the faint chatter from the living area, where he'd invited the Avengers to crash for the night.

Not _fellow Avengers_ , just _Avengers._

With Loki, he'd referred to the Avengers as _"we",_ when really Tony wasn't a part of the team.

The others probably don't remember, but he's just a consultant. His thoughts stray once more to the argument on the helicarrier. Steve hasn't apologised, and Tony wonders if the other man even remembers the conversation, if he's even aware of the hurt he caused Tony.

He had hurt Tony just by telling him the truth.

Just then, there's a soft and gentle knock on the door. Tony doesn't answer it. He's not in the mood for Steve to ask him how to use the damn microwave or for Clint to tell him how awesome his AI butler is or for anyone right now.

But it surprises him when the door beeps and opens, and Tony's heart leaps and his eyes light up when the love of his life walks through the door.

He eyes are red and Tony's heart drops slightly in guilt but he's soon tackled to a lying postion on the bed by Pepper's bear hug.

"Oh, _Tony..."_ is all she says as the two hold eachother for all they're worth. She begins to say more, but is cut off by a gentle _shhh... it's okay..._ from Tony. Just the presence of the one woman who makes his life mean something makes him laugh in relief.

Pepper laughs too, because it's okay, because Tony is smiling.


	5. Chapter 5

_"Right now the impact would kill thousands. Once it gets high enough, global extinction."_

Tony swears under his breath at FRIDAY's statement. He feels sick. This is his fault. The destruction and the chaos and the _deaths_. What he sees right there, half a damn city in the air, is his fault. No-one can tell him otherwise because it's true. Thousands are losing their homes and their loved ones because of him, because he was too selfish and too stupid to realise what he'd created, what he'd just condemned the world to. Iron man made no difference. Tony Stark is still as much a murderer as before.

_"Boss?"_

Tony swallowed down his nausea.

"I'm good."

**O-O**

He lands on the deck of the helicarrier with a _thunk_ , later than the rest who had arrived on board evacuated with the remaining citizens. Tony knows nothing of the others' statuses, but he hopes and he prays that everyone is okay. He can't handle more deaths on his conscience. He had seen the green figure of the Hulk leap onboard the helicarrier and bound of once more, and his scanners had identified that it had been Natasha curled up in his arms. As far as he knew, no-one had been left on the city-sized piece of rock before it had been destroyed in a floating explosion. A thought he had pushed to the back of his mind was that it had reminded him of inside the wormhole.

His suit disassembling around him, he begins walking towards medical, where he knows he'll find people.

**O-O**

Steve, Natasha, Clint, Thor, Rhodey, Vision and Wanda.

They're all sat around near the entrance of the emergency ward, looking serious sat there slouching in plastic chairs.

Two names are missing from that list, and they scream at him. He notices the way Wanda shakes all over and the tears on her cheeks and in her eyes, making then puffy. He notices the way there seems to be a presence around her and that red tendrils are snaking their way around her hands and the slight scarlet glow to her entire body. She's clearly struggling to hold herself together. But there's something in her that tells Tony that she's already snapped.

Steve's head comes up from where he was previously staring at the floor to look at Tony. His eyes hold so much sympathy towards Tony that knows he doesn't deserve.

"Tony."

His tone is hesitant but firm.

"We need to... Can we talk?"

**O-O**

Steve leads him somewhere, and he's not really paying attention to where until he finds themselves in his quaters, more specifically just outside the door to his bedroom.

Bruce is missing. The Big Green Guy flew off to who-knows-where.

When he finds out Pietro is dead, he actually throws up.

He barely has time to stumble through the door and into the bathroom before the bile is spilling from his mouth and into the sink, his left hand gripping the edge of the sink while the other is spread on the mirror in front of him. His breathing is heavy and tears leak from his eyes as he looks up, and meets his own eyes in the mirror.

He sees a murderer.

To his surprise, it's not Steve that comes after him. Instead it's Clint who appears in the mirror behind him, weary eyes filling with worry at the sight of him.

"Tony..."

It's that _same_ tone that Steve used not ten minutes ago, so filled with hesitance and regret and _sympathy_.

"Fuck off, Barton," he venemously replies, meeting Clint's eyes in the mirror with a cold gaze. Tony knows he doesn't deserve what he has. He's a murderer, and a fool for thinking Iron Man would change that.

**O-O**

No-one but Wanda is left there when he returns with Clint, and the sight of her makes his entire being sick with even more guilt and self hate.

"Look..." he starts. "I don't expect you to forgive me for what I've done; I know I can never forgive myself. But please, just know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've caused and what I've put you through. Just..." the words are suddenly swept from his mouth and he finds himself unable to carry on. It's rare for people to witness this side of the billionaire, but this seems to be one of those times.

His mouth opens and closes as he struggles to find words, before fleeing the room.

**O-O**

He can't sleep.

Oh, of course he can't, not when the screams from the battle ring in his ears and voices surround him, blaming him, accusing him. Telling him the truth.

He thinks he's finally lost it.

**O-O**

The pale hand shoots up to grip his arm. The body's eyes are suddenly open and full of emotion. The blue eyes meet Tony's brown ones, accusing him, screaming at him.

_"You could have saved us_."

_"Why didn't you do more?"_

And then the eyes went blank and the hand fell, limp once more. Gulping, trying to keep it together, he stands up on shaking legs and looks up. There, on top of the great rock looming before him, is another body. He can see the strawberry blonde hair partially lit up by the glow from the stars above him, and he wants to puke. It's _Pepper._ _His_ _Pepper._

She's dead. They're all dead and it's all his fault.

_"You let us down."_

_"You're a failure."_

_"I thought you cared."_

_"Why didn't you save me?"_

_"Don't you care?"_

_"You're selfish."_

_"... failure."_

_"let... down."_

" _.. selfish."_

He jolts awake drenched in sweat, hands gripping the blankets beneath him looking for a hold on reality. He's panting like he's just run a marathon but it feels like there's not enough oxygen in the large room. His mind is in the nightmare but he doesn't know what's real anymore and he needs to see them, he needs to see _someone_ just to know it wasn't real.

His hands desperately search for Pepper's comforting presence beside him and he panics when they are met with nothing more than cold sheets. That's enough to send his entire being reeling into _panic_ and _fear_.

Tears leak from his eyes and he cries aloud and he can't control himself, the endless _panic_ and the fear that he'll let everyone down. He can't see past the nightmare that possessed his mind just a couple of minutes ago and by now, his body is trembling with broken sobs as he desperately tries again to calm himself.

Vaguely he realises the door has opened and there's light streaming onto him. He automatically curls in on himself, shying away from the light.

There's a voice. It's tone is smooth and comforting and now there are strong arms around him and his back is being held against someone's chest. They're soothing, and Tony has calmed significantly though a part of him wants to push away from this person, afraid he'll hurt him.

Like he hurts everyone.

The voice is whispering his name, soft and encouraging. He realises finally who it is. It's Rhodey. His best friend. His best friend is here and he hasn't given up on Tony yet. That gives the man enough of a grasp on reality (and just a _tiny bit_ of _hope_ ) that he smiles sadly.

"Thank you," he whispers hoarsely.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the one time he couldn't.

_'If you need us, if you need me, I'll be there.'_

Tony scoffs to himself bitterly.

_No matter what,_ Steve had written. That was before, or so Tony had thought. Before, it was supposed to be that they were a team _no matter what_ , that they'd stick together _no matter what_ , that _no matter what_ they'd have each other's backs. Now he realises he was a fool. He had been a _fool_ to trust them, to let them in despite everything and despite the bringing back of Obie to the front of his mind. He's learnt his lesson now though, for sure, and he's not going to let anyone else in.

It's just him.

And Rhodey.

Pepper too? They're only on a _break_ , but Tony's not sure.

Happy? Yes. Happy's only done good to him in their whole time as friends.

Vision? Well, Tony _did_ create him and he's the only bit of JARVIS that he has left, but he's too stuck to Wanda. Tony decides he _won't_ let in Vision.

Then there's Peter. The kid's just... well, a _kid_ so Tony can't risk putting the boy in danger by getting close. But the kid does desperately need a mentor. Tony remains undecided.

But no-one else. _No matter what._

**O-O**

Tony hasn't _counted_ the number of deaths he's been responsible for, but he knows it's way up there. All the casualties of New York and the Mandarin had all been at least _partially_ his fault. Then there was Sokovia, and _everyone_ knew that that had been his fault. Everyone had tried to convince him otherwise but he had known that they had blamed him too. And that's not even considering the millions, surely, killed by _his_ weapons.

All of those lives lost, because of him.

He figures he might as well add _the Avengers_ to that list.

**O-O**

He can remember the struggle after his parents' deaths and after Afghanistan and New York and Ultron, and he knows he can't go through that again. This is his breaking point. He doesn't have the willpower or the hope or the _reason_ the keep going. He's not talking about suicide _(right? Even he's not entirely sure anymore)_ but he _can't_ just carry on like nothing happened and everything is okay. Not this time.

**O-O**

It kills him inside when the news talks about the ongoing searches for _"Steven Rogers, also known as Captain America"._

Not because he cares about Steve _(he tells himself)_ , but because he knows that it's _his fault._

**O-O**

Clint's words on the raft ring in his ears. They'd felt like a stab in the heart at the time, because he'd been _foolish_ enough to think that he wouldn't do that to him, that he still cared a bit.

He remembers going home...

... and drinking his troubles away. It's not something to be proud of, but the way Tony sees it, he has no choice.

**O-O**

Pepper visits.

He's surprised, to be honest with himself.

He's been locking himself up in his lab like he always does when something like this happens, while everyone waits for him to get over it. But it's different this time, because he doesn't really think he _will_ get over it. He does eat, maybe once every couple of days, and drinks _a lot_. He hasn't slept besides the breif naps when the exhaustion is too much and his body falls asleep of its own accord, and the too frequent passing out from drinking but he knows those naps are probably the only things keeping him _alive_ right now. Rhodey can only do so much with his... injury.

Tony knows _that's_ his fault, too.

She appears at his door, and Tony freezes. His hands were shaking _before_ he notices Pepper _(they always do nowadays)_ but now they're shaking even more. It's in the moments in which he can see her talking to FRIDAY when Tony has to make a decision whether or not to let her in. He's almost _afraid_ of human contact, _afraid_ that they'll hurt him, or worse, _he'll_ hurt _them_.

He has to admit, she looks gorgeous. Hair down, just past shoulder length and a shining strawberry blond. She's dressed in a simple casual shirt and skinny jeans, and she is _beautiful_. He thinks that maybe this can work, after all.

He turns back to his work, trying as always but failing to ignore the scratched and faded shield placed carefully in the corner.

**O-O**

Pepper is _worried_ about him. She knows how much something like this would affect him, how it would send him spiralling into the depths of grief and self hate and doubt.

She holds back a sob when she walks into the workshop and sees him.

It's even worse than all the other times; the dark bags around his eyes are impossible to ignore and his hair is a downright mess. The t-shirt he is wearing is crumpled and dirty, along with the faded jeans. His posture just screams _defeat_ , and Pepper would be lying to herself terribly if she said that didn't scare her. But it's his _eyes_ that affect her the most. They're sunken, so full of _fear_ and at the same time, dull and empty. As if he had nothing left.

Pepper thanks whoever may be up there for convincing her to come here.

**O-O**

"Hey," she whispers when they're close and facing each other, Tony still sat on his chair and Pepper stood in front of him. It painfully reminds him of that time when he told her about... everything. The nightmares following New York, his fear of threat. Everything.

He looks up at her and he can't hold it back anymore.

Warm tears fill his eyes and spill down his cheeks and _yes, he'll let her in_. His face contorts and his shoulders shake with sobs and she lets him into her arms, his face pressed into her stomach as he melts into her warm embrace.

_"Shhhh..."_ It's soothing and he can feel her fingers running through his hair, comforting.

He turns his head to rest his cheek against her when he's done. Gently, she lifts his head from her tummy before crouching down in front of him so she is just below him. She cups his face in her soft, warm hands. Her eyes are filled with tears too and he feels guilt rip at his insides that he hurt her. Again.

"Hey," she whispers again, smiling sweetly through the tears.

"Smile for me, Tony," she says. "Smile."

The tears start pouring again, but he doesn't break the eye contact between them. Instead, he shakes his head. It's a silent,

_No. I can't. I_ _can't._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Hope you enjoyed :)


End file.
